Howdy there. Fraggle here. Duh.
Always me. This is my blog after all.
I finally have the blogs back on track. Sort of. I need to write the hope proclamation tomorrow. That's gonna be a long one. Lots of quotes and citations necessary for that one. Have to argue Fracture's case and such. You need a pretty good argument to suddenly try to change all the rules at once.
It'll be interesting to see how that plays out.
So much writing to do. So very lazy.
Been having a hard time focusing as of late. YouTube has been a pretty big distraction. I might need to cut down on my intake. I'm clearly watching far too much shit.
And that's after I cut down once before too. Serious compulsion issues...
Really ought to teach myself self control one of these days.
Also be getting these... flashes?
I don't know. Its weird. I'll be doing something and suddenly a painful memory will spring to mind.
Mind you, its not painful like being beaten or something. Its just a moment in my life that I reflect on and know that I did or said the wrong thing. I should have been better. I should have said better. Instances when I should have just been an all around better person.
I wonder if that's what they actually mean when they say your life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die? Does your life just adopt a slideshow esque quality in its final stride. Like that last episode to so many TV shows. Am I dying?
Its funny to think, that I have so many shit memories. So many wrongs. Its impossible to forget that at my core, I'm a bad person. That I did these things. Like everyone else. Just another self centered animal looking out for number one.
And it occurs to me, that I like where I am in life. I like all that I've seen and learned and who I became as a result of my journey. I'm happy. This is a good place. I have everything I could ever want and I do everything I want to do.
Truly, I am privileged and I wouldn't change a foot of my life story. I would not want to risk all that I have. I made it. I got to be me.
Its really just they journey I regret. I took the low road to a high destination.
But I just feel like such shit when those sudden rushes of reminders hit. As minute and insignificant as the impact of all the mistakes and wrongs I've done truly is, those moments still hurt and haunt me. Little shit but it sticks.
They say its not about the destination. Its about the Journey. I feel like I've arrived. I've already fucked up the journey. I've just lost. There's no fixing it. Its done and over.
But its hardly something to complain about I guess.
Who wouldn't take a loss for their personal paradise? Lose to live the life you want to have. Pretty good deal. Whats a handful of uncomfortable gut wrenching moments of unfixable regret when you get to spend the rest of the day in bliss?
Annoying. I've got it good.
Just need to stop bitching about it.
Funny. Nothing is ever good enough. Give someone paradise and they just keep bitching.
Ever the self centered animal. Feed me more.
