Looked for Hope but there was None. Should have known, that was real dumb.

A little something different. I need to capture this rage before I come to terms with it.


-----------------------------

You know it feels different.

I've condemned a lot of people to death to save my own skin. At first, it was just this... need, to survive. And when I became a proxy, it became my job. But that was the same game when you really got down to it. I was pretending to be a runner, and I would lead real runners off to their deaths so I could remain a proxy and continue to enjoy my safe miserable existence.

But We-... she... I. I tried to connect with her. She was so angry. So alone. So desperate to find companionship with someone who wasn't a complete fucking shithead. Somehow, apparently, that was me.

I guess I wasn't the one who tried to connect with her. I didn't even realize she thought better of me than others... I found out when she pulled me to safety after Maggot stabbed me in the back.

She was crying. She was desperate and panicked. I could barely understand it. So much fuss over me. A man she had met once. A man would have just as easily have lead her into a volcano a day prior to that if it had been asked of me. A man who would not have stuck his neck out like that in a million year for someone else.

And as I traveled with her, I just... I kept asking why. I kept prodding her for answers to try to understand why she would do that for me of all people.

"Because you don't baby me, or think less of me. You're respectful. You're about the only person I know anymore whose anything like that... like him... like they were."

They. Those fuckers. The weak souls that had come before me. Those pitiful souls that kept dying on her.

And I understood that that was what she needed. Was someone. Not romantically. Really not even friend. Just a person who wasn't a shit head who she could have. Who would live.

And I knew I could do that. As Fracture likes to tell me, I'm a fucking cockroach. So I knew I could give her that. And if you can, and it costs you nothing, shouldn't you? You would think so wouldn't you?

But she was still so obsessed with 'they'. Them. Those fuckers.

To avenge one of them, she constantly insisted that David had to die. She was fucking obsessed. And she wouldn't fucking listen. She wanted to make sure she was the one to do it because someone else or time got him. David wasn't a young man after all. Time, as she saw it, was against her.

And even with my help, we both knew we couldn't do it. That we'd die trying.

And I just... when it came to that moment to march in with her and face death with her... I couldn't.

I just... fucking... couldn't.

I abandoned her and shes fucking gone. I should have been there...

And I felt, for the first time in a life time surrounded by death, loss.

I told myself, "Whats the point of surviving... if no one else is gonna make it to the end with you?"

And it just... It hurt. I felt like my stomach was trying to eat itself. My brain was on fire. I curled up into a ball on the floor and just... I cried. Dug my fingers into my stomach... prayed to god that it would just stop hurting... just... "No more."

And that was my week after that. I laid on the floor of my room, curled up into a ball, and marveled at myself that I had done to her what I always do to everyone. I left her to die.

And I just couldn't take it. I never wanted to feel this again. I held my gun up to the side of my head... I closed my eyes... prayed I was holding it right so it would actually be quick.

And then I curled back up on the floor and put the gun away, because I'm a weak piece of shit. Because of that, where she went... I can not follow.

If I didn't have the common decency to die, I might as well get back to work. So I got up and got to my desk... went about the forms and budgeting... those endless forms.

And as always, Fire Culties and Masks kept approaching me. They always had questions. Always needed help. Fucking teenagers. So young. Every little thing is a new disaster for them.

Such a waste of fucking time to help them. Bunch of revenge driven rage cunts ready to charge head long at their deaths if it would give them some semblance of the mindless vengeance they crave. Like her. And like her, they don't listen. They don't take the real advice they need. They won't let go. They'll change right off to that death every time and leave everything they know.

And it occurred to me I had come to the wrong conclusion before.

The question isn't:
"Whats the point of surviving... if no one else is gonna make it to the end with you."

It's:
"Whats the point of them... if they're always gonna die."

Fuck them. Fuck her. I should have bothered. I never shouldn't have bothered. I shouldn't be bothering now.

She was always gonna die. They are always gonna die. And then, it'll just be me. Over and over and over again.

And I knew this before. Its something I've always known. But I was touch by her. By their plight. By Fracture's constant fucking talk of hope. And I ignored what I knew to be true, on blind hope that things could be better like they all said.

But I was fucking right. There is no hope. There's no point is trying. They will always die. You, you all will die. You're all fucked.

And I'm done believing otherwise.

I'm gonna go back to doing the only thing I can do. Working. Surviving.

Watching everyone else die, slowly.

Its... its all I can do...

I won't forget that again.

Today's Highlight: Commenting

So immediately following the last post, because I've been more actively sharing this with Ms. Tessa than anyone else right now, Ms. Tessa wanted to post a comment.

And that made me feel uncomfortable because I was pretty sure she'd just drop a comment as her self using an in-character account. So I told her to wait off on it until I made my next post because I wanted to set some commenting rules.

And thus here they are:

1. All comments made with in-character accounts must be made in character. So if I was say, Konaa's writer and I commented using Konaa's in-character account (I have no idea why I keep picking on Konaa.) then that comment would need to be made from that character's perspective as if they were seeing it as themselves still very much involved with whatever is going on with konaa in his story at that time.

2. To comment as an Author you need to have your own Author specific account just for you.

3. As an alternative to all that time and effort you would otherwise spend making a blogger account specifically for your author persona (Because believe me, my real name isn't Fraggle.), you can comment anonymously or use the Name/URL option.

To make these rules immediately visible to anyone jumping in on this later, I've added a note to the side bar of the blog so these rules will be visible on every single page of the blog.

I also added the blog list app to show off my work, because its awesome.

...





So moving on, new post on Wrath is Eternal. And yes, I'm gonna plug every single post I make as part of a post on here every time I post somewhere.

If I can't plug in the safety of my own Mod Blog, where can I plug?

...




Speaking of topic transitions, Mod Blogs. That's what this is. A Mod Blog. Its a concept I got from Tumblr. The ARGs on Tumblr usually have a link to what is labeled 'Mod'. And when you click it it takes you to the author of that ARGs' hub page where he talks about personal news, game updates, takes commissions, shares thoughts, and is ultimately just him being himself.

Mod accounts also usually have links to all of the Author's projects and to other authors whose work hes interconnected to. So on Tumblr if you like an author, you can just follow him to his hub and then to his other works assuming they have any.

So that's part of what this blog is about. Trying to figure out how that can work for the Slenderverse on Blogger. We can't exactly do it just like they do it on tumblr. Immersion is usually highly valued in the verse so links that lead off to a site where you can read that the blog is a lie is probably a big no no.

But we'll figure it out eventually... probably.

...




MORE TOPICS. So I had my last post looked over by FreedomCaged. My post was his first run in with the concept of the 'Denizens'.

He had this to say:

"I really do like those later descriptions of the denizens.
Detailed enough to be creepy and horrific, but still fast and leaving plenty to the imagination, also with the implication that there really is no theme or consistency, which is disturbing all by itself.."

Which is great because he would be the first person I got feedback from on the Denizens without my having explained what they were ahead of time.

So naturally, I ruined that with this explanation:

"I didn't actually name them that, but its kind of catchy so I've stuck with it.
I don't know what other writers have done with the denizens since I introduced them but the denizens are supposed to be deformed humans that have been mutated like that from over exposure to the path.

Those mutations are supposed to be random with heavy influences from elements of nature.
All of which came from an effort to make the path less safe for proxies. Even to the servants, no domain should ever be safe."

Now, I bring all this up because if I have one regret with the denizen's its the failure of their use to deter proxies from pathing.... at least best I can tell.

I'm not all seeing and I don't follow a lot of the new blogs so I can't know for sure, but from what I've seen Authors have been acknowledging the existence of the denizens and then writing them to not attack their proxies. (Usually as a note to how cool their proxies are or because their already established lore and/or history can't take the path being an unsafe place to visit.) I know its not my place to try to control how writers hand things but I kind of wish they just didn't acknowledge the denizens if they were gonna make them a non-issue.

But again, not my place to impose on someone else's creative vision. If I don't like it, its on me to ignore it.

And I can't even say for sure that the Denizens are entirely mine. I had not seen them anywhere else before I brought them up on one of my post... but that could be a coincidence.

....





I'm thinking I'm gonna explain some of the other elements I've tried to introduce to the verse in my next post. Usually the biggest problem with things I add is I can't outright explain them and then I forget about them.

It would probably be a good idea to get them all down on here

Fraggle out.

Because Fuck Your Eyes

Why hello there! Guess who? Fraggle, that's who!

                                                                  ^
                                    See this right here, Konna? I know how to use Comas. I simply choose not to!

: P

So yeah. New Fraggle blog. This time, my personal blog to put all my thoughts and musing into that don't quite make the other blogs. Or, at least don't make it onto a blog in their full capacity. 

                                                                                                                                        ^

                                                                                          Turns out I didn't know how to spell capacity. 

                                                                                          I had to Google it.

And because this is a Fraggle blog, I went with a black background and white text. AGAIN. Suck it.

Apparently that contrast fucks with people. I actually really like it. It makes my words pop. I kind of have a whole 'light shining in the darkness' thing going. Sort of. Maybe. I don't know that that really comes through properly on my other blogs....

...hmmm.

Filler, filler, filler.

There we go.  That should be enough space to reorient yourself.

Doing this...

...while cool, really fucks with the eyes if you don't...

...space it right.

Filler, filler, filler.

Maybe I'm using too many spaces in these examples but I'm just trying to illiterate the point. You need more spaces/empty-lines to break up the ends of those transitions if you're gonna do that or the flow of words gets hard to follow. 

...

So... that's the quality of rambling you can expect here.

I find I often suddenly break into one topic after another with no transition if I don't sit down and plan things so there will probably be a fair share of that here.

It might just be extra bad on this post. I'm writing this as more a place holder so I can see what the blog is gonna look like with a post here. Seeing that is kind of important from a design aspect....

Ellipses! I will abuse the shit out of ellipses... I LOVE them.   ;-;

As an aside, I originally wrote this with every intent to include little notes-

                                                                                      ^

                                                                                   Like this

-in the post for every spelling or grammar correction made when I re-read this for proofing.

After I found more than 10 errors in about 4 sentences I decided to cut that. Seemed incredibly impractical. Especially when there was then a chance to have an error in the note denoting where an error had been.

Note-ception.

I'm really shit at writing. My spelling and grammar are horrendous.

As a final aside to end all asides... in this particular post at least... ellipses... 

I'm not sure how I want to advertise this blog yet. I don't know who I want seeing it. I've contemplated having this account comment on In-Character blogs but that seems rude. I've contemplated connecting a link to this blog from my other blogs but immersion is a trait very highly valued in some circles of the slenderverse and I'd hate to needlessly irritate any of my readers. Lord knows they're a rare commodity these days.

Ms. Tessa thinks I should just drop a link(test) in my own writing circles' group chat but I'm not sure about that either.

Its a tough one. I'm sure I'll figure something out though.

I always do... usually... ellipses.

Fraggle out! Be well.